This post is the third in a series of five discussing emotion regulation. Together, this series forms a beginner's guide to regulating emotions. The first post in the series explained the basic concept of emotion regulation. Last week's post reviewed the concept of coping and the foundational skills necessary to build the solid base needed to develop more complex emotion regulation skills like cognitive (part III - this week's topic), behavioural skills (part IV - to be reviewed next week), and relational (Part V - final post). Also, in our final post, we discuss obstacles common to emotion regulation. So, if you are in the mood to improve your emotional intelligence, read on! Remember to subscribe if you want to stay updated on future blog posts.
Let's get started.
Last week, we made the comparison between emotions and waves. Readers were encouraged to accept that our goal of emotion regulation is to learn to surf the waves rather than eliminate them. We learn to surf our emotional highs and lows by acquiring new skills. This week, we discuss the cognitive (or thinking) skills we can use to help us navigate our emotional experiences.
A bit on Emotions
Emotions are tricky because we can't measure them in any clinical way.
Emotions change and are heavily influenced by the environment in which we experience them.
Emotions are fickle and can be conflicting, confusing, or simply unclear.
I understand that many people are not comfortable talking about their feels. And for good reason. Most of us (all of us?) have a complicated relationship with emotions because often, children's emotions are not well-received by their overworked, under-slept, poorly supported parents.
Unfortunately, every path to well-being includes getting our emotions in order.
So here we are.
Let's start with a (very) brief primer:
Emotions are a sense we feel with our bodies. They happen fast and without our conscious input. Like our eyes perceive light and our ears perceive sound, our bodies perceive emotions.
Emotions function to inform us of how well our needs are being met.
The movie "Inside Out" is a lovely example of how different emotions serve different functions.
Joy gives us a reason to get up each day.
Disgust keeps us from poisoning (or embarrassing ourselves).
Fear helps keep us safe.
Anger fights for justice, and sadness brings us a connection to others.
Anxiety, if left unchallenged, can take over and paralyze us.
Unfortunately, and for various reasons, many of us view emotions as a hindrance, something to be corrected, and definitely not appreciated. This is a problem because emotions are one of our greatest resources.
Choosing not to embrace your emotions is like choosing not to embrace your vision because sometimes you see painful things.
We have to change how we THINK about our emotions. Our emotions are not wrong. Our emotions are not bad. Our emotions are information that we should not ignore.
So, how do we change how we think about our emotions?
Enter: Cognitive Skills.
What are cognitions?
If a thought is a single note, cognitions are the whole song.
Thoughts pop into our heads at random, and some thoughts are more helpful than others. Cognitions arise when we combine these thoughts with other mental processes like memory, attention, perception, etc. They help us understand what is happening around us by accessing retained information, storing new information, and to deciding how to act to achieve our goals.
For example, you might consciously think, "I need a hat," because you know it's winter, you remember you don't like the cold, and you understand you are going to be outside for a while. You choose to wear a hat to satisfy your need to be comfortable.
Cognitions combine information from our internal and external environments. It helps us make sense of our world and know how to interact with it.
How are emotions and cognitions related?
When entering a situation, our thoughts impact our emotional experience, and while we can't change our emotions, we can change our thoughts.
Imagine needing to learn how to surf (a very realistic situation, I know.) If you approach the situation thinking, "This is stupid, I hate surfing. What if I can't do it? What if I embarrass myself? There is no point in trying," how successful do you think you will be? How much fun do you think you will have?
What if you could change your thoughts to "Wow, how exciting that I get to learn to surf! It will probably be challenging, but I'm confident I can figure it out"?
If we can work on improving our thoughts, we will be one step closer to regulating our emotions.
It can be helpful to think of emotions as waves that wash over us. I am not angry. Anger washed over me. I am not lonely. Loneliness washed over me. It is easier than to aim to endure these emotional waves while they rising to a peak before receding away.
And just like ocean waves, emotional waves pass.
We can't stop the waves. We can only learn to surf.
Our goal is to act with logic and reason (or at least without destruction) even when we are buried beneath the deepest waves.
Paying attention to our thoughts when entering and during a situation is essential because they heavily influence our subsequent emotional experiences.
If we are careless, our thoughts can worsen an already bad situation.
If we are disciplined, our thoughts can be a constant resource.
Cognitive skills focus on using our thoughts to influence our emotional experiences. Some efforts will focus on reducing the intensity and frequency of negative thoughts, while others will focus on promoting positive cognitions.
Key Cognitive Skills
Cognitive strategies work to regulate our emotions by adjusting our thoughts. They are highly effective in managing conditions such as anxiety, depression, and stress. Cognitive approaches empower individuals to take control of their emotional experiences by intentionally changing what and how they think.
Cognitive Reappraisal
A common psychotherapy intervention is cognitive reappraisal which involves reinterpreting a situation to alter its emotional impact. For example, seeing a stressful event (like learning to surf) as an opportunity rather than a threat can reduce anxiety and promote resilience.
It's like putting on a different pair of glasses to view an experience in a new light, often in a way that's less distressing and more positive.
Here's how it works:
Reinterpreting the Situation: Imagine you're stuck in traffic and start feeling frustrated. Using cognitive reappraisal, you might tell yourself, "This gives me a chance to listen to that podcast I've been meaning to catch up on." Instead of stewing in anger, you now view the delay as an opportunity.
Changing Perspective: If you're nervous about giving a speech, you could reframe it as an exciting challenge rather than a threatening assignment. By thinking, "This is a chance to share what I'm passionate about," you shift from fear to anticipation.
Finding Silver Linings: When faced with a disappointment, like not getting a desired job, reappraisal might involve recognizing that this rejection might lead to a better opportunity or teach you something valuable.
Seeing the Bigger Picture: If you're upset about a small mistake, reappraisal could involve reminding yourself that everyone makes errors and it's a learning experience, not a catastrophe.
Cognitive reappraisal isn't about denying your feelings or the reality of a situation; it's about altering your perspective to manage your emotional response more effectively.
Changing how you think about events can significantly alter your feelings, leading to better emotional control and, often, a more positive outlook on life.
Self-talk
Self-talk refers to our internal dialogue, often running like a constant, silent conversation in our heads. It's how we process our experiences, thoughts, beliefs, and emotions.
Self-talk serves multiple functions, including being a source of motivation, a resource when problem-solving, a tool for self-reflection, and an approach to regulating emotions and behaviours. Self-talk can pump us up or bring us down. It can encourage us to persist or motivate us to quit.
Self-talk impacts our psychological well-being. Positive self-talk can contribute to improved mental health outcomes, including a reduction in anxious and depressive symptoms. Negative self-talk has the opposite effect.
Types of Self-Talk:
Positive Self-Talk: Encouraging ourselves with optimistic and supportive messages like "I can handle this" or "I'm doing my best, and that's enough." Positive self-talk can boost confidence, motivation, and resilience.
Negative Self-Talk: Involves critical, pessimistic, or even harmful thoughts about oneself, like "I'm not good enough" or "I always mess up. I shouldn't even try." Negative self-talk can lead to feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, or depression if it becomes habitual.
Instructional Self-Talk: Used in performance or learning situations, this is where you guide yourself through a task. For instance, an athlete might say, "Keep your eye on the ball, focus, breathe."
Reflective Self-Talk: Involves reviewing past events or decisions, like thinking, "What could I have done differently?" It's introspective and can be constructive if used to learn from past experiences.
Self-talk impacts our performance abilities. Positive or instructional self-talk can enhance performance by increasing focus and confidence.
Self-talk also impacts behaviours. Critical self-talk may lead to avoidance and procrastination, while positive self-talk can motivate us to take on new challenges.
Understanding and effectively using self-talk can be a powerful tool for personal growth, emotional regulation, and enhancing one's life quality. It's an internal coach, critic, and friend all rolled into one, influencing how we perceive ourselves and navigate our world.
Reflective Question: Would you speak to a loved one the same way you speak to yourself?
Yes
No
Cognitive Restructuring
Cognitive restructuring involves identifying and challenging irrational or distorted thoughts, beliefs, and cognitive biases and replacing them with more realistic, balanced, and adaptive thoughts. It's about reprogramming your mental software to run smoother, less problematic scripts.
The Process
Identification:
The first step is to identify negative or distorted thoughts. These might include magnification (making things seem worse than they are), personalization (taking things personally that aren't meant that way), or all-or-nothing thinking (seeing things in black and white). Distorted thoughts will be covered in more detail in post-V.
Assessment:
Once identified, these thoughts are evaluated for their accuracy and utility. The goal is to determine if these thoughts are based on facts or distortions.
Challenging:
This involves questioning the evidence for these thoughts. Techniques might include Socratic questioning ("What evidence do I have for this thought?"), looking for alternative explanations or examining the implications of continuing to believe the thought.
Reframing:
After challenging, the next step is to reframe or restructure the thought. This might mean replacing an irrational thought with a more rational one or finding a middle ground between overly positive or negative views.
Behavioural Experimentation:
Sometimes, testing the new thought through action can be helpful. If you believe you're incapable of something, setting a small, achievable goal and succeeding can help restructure this belief.
Cognitive restructuring is not about optimistic positivity but about achieving a more balanced and realistic outlook. Once learned, it's a skill that empowers individuals to actively manage their mental landscape, promoting healthier mental habits and improving overall life quality.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness practices focus on cultivating present-moment awareness and non-judgmental observation of one's thoughts, feelings, and sensations. By becoming more mindful, individuals can increase their emotional regulation skills by understanding their cognitive and emotional processes.
Key components of mindfulness include:
Focused Attention: This involves paying close attention to the present moment, often through meditation or breathing exercises, and bringing attention back to the now when the mind wanders.
Non-Judgmental Observation: Mindfulness encourages observing thoughts and feelings without trying to change or judge them. This detachment helps reduce emotional reactivity and promotes acceptance of one's current state.
Body Awareness: Often part of mindfulness meditation, this involves scanning the body for tension or sensations, connecting physical sensations to emotional states, and practicing conscious relaxation.
Mindfulness can help individuals better regulate their emotions by increasing awareness of their emotional triggers and reducing automatic reactions to distressing thoughts or situations.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
ACT is an approach that encourages individuals to accept difficult emotions (and realities) and thoughts rather than trying to avoid or eliminate them.
ACT focuses on enhancing psychological flexibility through six core processes:
Acceptance: Instead of fighting or avoiding unpleasant thoughts and feelings, ACT teaches people to acknowledge and accept them, recognizing that discomfort is a part of the human experience.
Cognitive Defusion: This process involves distancing oneself from unhelpful thoughts and viewing them as passing experiences rather than absolute truths. Techniques such as repeating thoughts aloud until they lose their meaning help reduce their impact.
Mindfulness: Like mindfulness practices, ACT includes techniques that foster present-moment awareness without judgment, helping individuals remain centred despite distressing thoughts or emotions.
Values Clarification: ACT encourages individuals to define what is truly important to them in life, guiding their actions in alignment with their core values rather than being led by emotional impulses.
Committed Action: Taking meaningful steps toward goals that align with personal values, even in emotional discomfort, is a central aspect of ACT. Committed action builds resilience and empowers individuals to lead value-driven lives.
By accepting rather than battling difficult emotions and committing to actions that align with personal values, ACT provides a framework for emotional regulation that enhances overall well-being and psychological flexibility.
Cognitive approaches to emotion regulation profoundly impact long-term emotional well-being, offering strategies to help individuals manage and sustain healthier emotional responses. These approaches, which include cognitive restructuring, mindfulness practices, and cognitive reappraisal, provide people with the tools to cope with emotional challenges and build emotional resilience.
Cognitive Skills: Let's Review
This segment of our emotion regulation series delves into cognitive strategies that are pivotal for managing emotions effectively. Cognitive skills in this context refer to how we think about and interpret our experiences, which in turn influences our emotional responses.
Techniques like cognitive reappraisal, self-talk, cognitive restructuring, and mindfulness are explored, each offering a different lens through which we can view and manage our emotions.
Cognitive reappraisal involves reinterpreting situations to change their emotional impact, turning stressors into challenges or opportunities.
Self-talk acts as an internal dialogue that can either boost our confidence or undermine our self-esteem, depending on whether it's positive, negative, instructional, or reflective.
Cognitive restructuring is about identifying and replacing irrational thoughts with more balanced ones, which can significantly alter emotional reactions and behaviours.
Mindfulness encourages present-moment awareness and non-judgmental observation of one's thoughts and emotions, reducing reactivity and enhancing emotional regulation.
Acceptance and commitment encourages us to expect uncomfortable experiences as a part of life and to commit to acting in accordance with our personal values.
These cognitive tools can be effect in treating mental health issues and contribute to enhancing everyday life, from improving performance under stress to fostering better interpersonal relationships. By mastering these skills, individuals can achieve greater control over their emotional landscape, leading to a more balanced and fulfilling life.
Next Steps
If this exploration into emotion regulation resonates with you, let's dive deeper together. Book a free discovery call with me to discuss how these cognitive strategies can be tailored to your unique needs. Whether you're looking to manage stress, enhance your emotional intelligence, or simply live a more balanced life, this call could be the first step toward transformative change. Click here to schedule your session, and let's start surfing those emotional waves with confidence and grace!
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