Quick Recap
This post is the fourth in a series of five discussing emotion regulation. Together, this series forms a beginner's guide to regulating emotions. The first post in the series explained the basic concept of emotion regulation. The second post reviewed the concept of coping and the foundational skills necessary to build the solid base needed to develop more complex emotion regulation skills like cognitive skills (part 3 - last post's topic), behavioural skills (part IV - this week's post), and relational skills (Part V - final post). Also, in our final post, we will discuss obstacles common to emotion regulation. So, if you want to improve your emotional intelligence, read on! Remember to subscribe if you want to stay updated on future blog posts.
A quick review:
Emotions are sensed by our bodies, much like our eyes sense light. They help inform us how we feel about what is happening around us.
Emotions are like waves that we must ride out. They rise, peak, and recede. Emotions are an experience, not our identity.
Emotion regulation involves using a combination of skills (called coping skills) to navigate uncomfortable emotional states with grace and intention. Proper emotion regulation allows us to remain in control of our actions and make logical and reasonable decisions even when experiencing strong negative emotions.
Emotion regulation can involve adapting to uncomfortable emotions or addressing the problem causing them. Some ways we regulate emotions can be counterproductive, offering short-term relief with long-term consequences.
Foundational skills, like emotional awareness, impulse control, self-compassion, and cognitive flexibility, are necessary to form a solid base for emotion regulation.
Cognitive skills focus on using intentional thoughts to reduce emotional discomfort, whether by viewing situations differently or identifying and challenging inaccurate thoughts contributing to our suffering.
The key to emotion regulation is to practice a variety of skills so we can remain in control of ourselves in different emotionally charged situations. Adding behavioural skills to your emotion regulation toolbox gives you additional options for navigating challenging moments with purpose and poise.
What are Behavioural Skills?
Behavioural skills are the actions we use to intentionally influence our experience of a situation. We might use different behavioural skills depending on the setting. We might act more confidently during a job interview or more cautious during your first hobby class.
Unlike cognitive strategies, which focus on changing thoughts, behavioural skills focus on outward actions and environmental factors that can shape emotional responses.
What are Coping behaviours?
Behaviours refer to the actions, habits and responses we utilize in a situation to elicit different outcomes. It is how we choose to talk (our tone, pacing, body language). It is where we decide to go. It is who we choose to hang out with. It is what we choose to eat and how much we choose to exercise. Our behaviours are all the little things we do (and don't do). Each behaviour influences how we experience each moment. It is choosing to go to bed early to get a good nights sleep versus staying up late for no good reason. While we are responsible for each action we take, we might not be aware of the consequences of our choices. Many of us learned coping behaviours in our childhood environments. It wasn't a conscious decision but our default coping setting became established by unconsciously copying the coping behaviours of those present in our childhoods.
The truth is that many of us were not exposed to healthy role modelling of adaptive coping behaviours. Instead, many of us internalized reactive, counterproductive ways of coping (like substance use or self-neglect), which unfortunately exacerbate our suffering. Whether we withdraw from others or message an ex, grab some junk food or skip a meal, each action we takes can contribute or reduce our level of suffering. We may not always be aware of these automatic behaviours (those actions we take during times of stress that we don't even have to think about.) To heal, it is important to know how the behaviours we choose affect how intensely and how long we are exposed to the harmful effects of stress.
Improving your coping behaviours might mean adopting new behaviours, but it might also include reducing or eliminating current coping behaviours. This "unlearning" is difficult but possible in the right (supportive) environment.
Reflective Question: Can you identify any of your coping behaviours that may be contributing to your own suffering?
Adaptive Coping
Adaptive coping refers to changing your coping strategies based on the situation, like using your cognitive skills for an intellectual dilemma and conflict resolution skills for an interpersonal conflict. Adaptive coping also involves using different coping strategies together for added benefit but also being aware of ineffective efforts and changing your approach.
Adaptive coping promotes resilience and well-being by prioritizing safety, rest, self-care, and nutrition. Common adaptive strategies include problem-solving, seeking social support, mindfulness practices, and positive reframing of situations. Talking to friends about your feelings can provide emotional relief through a sense of social connection. Mindfulness techniques help ground individuals in the present moment, giving them space to acknowledge their uncomfortable feelings. These behaviours enable individuals to process emotions healthily and constructively, leading to better outcomes in stressful situations. Fostering adaptive coping enhances emotional resilience and improves overall mental health.
Adaptive coping CHANGES to improve a situation. Maladaptive coping does not.
Examples of Adaptive Coping Behaviours
Imagine you are experiencing the end of a relationship. You accept your feelings of sadness, rejection, and anger instead of distracting from them, hoping they will pass. Instead of withdrawing into a commonly binged activity, you contact a trusted friend. You prepare yourself a nutritious and enjoyable meal; you take a shower. You lift some weights or run until you are out of breath. The hormones released during your negative emotional experience are metabolized and removed from your system. Your emotional state returns to normal. It still hurts, but you care for yourself and meet your physical and emotional needs, allowing yourself to heal.
Choosing behaviours that support your mental health makes it easier to maintain a positive outlook and feel hopeful and confident that you will find love again. You might even feel excited about experiencing new love and finding someone more compatible. You may feel thankful to have had the time you did with your now-ex.
MALADAPTIVE Coping
Maladaptive coping is continuing a coping strategy for immediate gain/relief despite its ineffectiveness or harm. These tend to be overused strategies often focused on distraction/dissociation, leading to neglect of our basic needs. Examples might be smoking for immediate relaxation despite the well-known health risks or overworking as an immediate distraction from uncomfortable feelings, often leading to neglect of the self and ensuing health issues. Usually, it is not the behaviour itself that is maladaptive; instead, it is the overuse.
Learning to cope more effectively begins by determining if your current coping behaviours are helping or hindering your progress in life. We can't always choose what happens to us, but we can choose how we respond.
Too many maladaptive coping strategies can worsen our situation, and it is important to note that none of us are perfect. It is unrealistic to expect we will only ever utilize adaptive coping strategies. None of us are perfect. But too many maladaptive coping strategies can worsen our situation and is counterproductive to our goal of healing. A good goal is to aim for more our adaptive coping strategies than maladaptive ones, giving ourselves, our bodies, and our spirits a chance to recover the spark that dimmed so long ago.
Examples of Maladaptive Coping Behaviours
Rumination: Rumination is often called "overthinking" as it involves spending significant time thinking about an event. People who ruminate may repeatedly think about what was said, what they wanted to say or didn't, and their feelings towards the other person involved in the event. People will ruminate while driving, grocery shopping, in the shower, or while trying to watch TV. Rumination distracts us from daily life, interferes with our ability to remain mindfully present, and maintains our stress response by keeping the emotion associated with the event alive. Rumination can cause us to neglect our basic needs for hydration, nourishment, movement, and social connection. The longer we forgo meeting these needs, the worse our mental health becomes over time.
Binging: The pattern of consuming an increased (or large) quantity of something in a single sitting or over time is called "binging." People can binge on anything from drugs to movies, food to gambling, video games to social media. Binging negatively affects our physical health because it causes us to neglect our basic physical needs. While we are overeating the wrong stuff, sitting in front of screens, our bodies unmoving, our needs for physical activity and social connection go unmet. Our needs for sleep, daylight, and financial stability start becoming unfulfilled. Our physical health worsens.
These are two examples of how our chosen behaviours can worsen a single emotional experience. Both these behaviours keep the stress response active by perpetuating the release of additional cortisol and adrenaline - the two hormones responsible for maintaining the buzzing sensation of being stressed out.
The good news is that we can also use behaviours to positively affect our emotional experience, making negative experiences shorter and less disruptive.
You choose how you behave in response to your emotions. We may not be responsible for the coping behaviours we develop in childhood, but as adults, we are responsible for which coping behaviours we choose to keep alive. Read on if you are ready to learn more about supportive behavioural emotion regulation skills.
More Adaptive Coping Behaviours
Problem-Solving: Choosing to behave as a problem solver has us looking at the experience as a problem with a solution. We make observations and try out different solutions. Instead of resigning yourself to "that's just how it is," you've decided this is an obstacle you can overcome.
Self-Care Practices: Engaging in self-care activities such as getting adequate sleep, eating a balanced diet, hydrating, and practicing good hygiene can help regulate emotions by promoting overall well-being. Prioritizing self-care allows individuals to recharge and replenish their physical and emotional resources, making them better equipped to cope with stressors.
Behavioural Activation: Behavioral activation (BA) seeks to protect against low motivation by promoting engagement in enjoyable activities, countering withdrawal and avoidance. By gradually increasing participation in tasks like walking or socializing, BA helps enhance mood and reduce negative behaviours, improving emotional well-being.
Distress tolerance helps individuals tolerate painful emotions in the short term without resorting to impulsive or harmful behaviours. We maintain mindfulness of our discomfort but do not waver in our dedication to prioritize our well-being. It can include distraction techniques, self-soothing, and crisis survival strategies.
Grounding Strategies: This approach helps you stay present during intense emotions. Try grounding techniques like holding an ice cube, progressive muscle relaxation, or the 5-4-3-2-1 activity to focus on your senses. Using sensory bags, essential oils, or pictures of loved ones can also help calm you and bring positive feelings, helping you ground back into the present moment.
Self-soothing is the practice of calming and comforting oneself during times of emotional distress or stress. It involves engaging in activities or techniques that promote relaxation and emotional balance, helping reduce negative feelings and regain control. Self-soothing can include deep breathing, listening to calming music, taking a warm bath, or practicing mindfulness to calm the nervous system and release tension. Self-care helps manage stress healthily rather than reacting impulsively or letting it build.
Social Support: Seeking support from friends, family members, or support groups can provide emotional validation, encouragement, and practical assistance during distress. Talking to someone you trust can help you gain perspective on your emotions and feel less alone in your struggles.
Interpersonal Effectiveness: Involves learning how to communicate needs, set boundaries, and manage conflict in a way that preserves relationships while maintaining self-respect. Behavioural skills valuable in relationships is a broad topic, and the next post will detail how specific behaviours like assertive communication, setting boundaries, emotion regulation, and conflict resolution influence our relationships.
Much like you'd want a toolbox with various tools, developing multiple emotion regulation skills, both behavioural and cognitive, is vital. Practice them regularly in different combinations. The stronger your skills, the better you will be able to navigate different life challenges.
It's essential to experiment with different approaches and find what works best for you, as everyone's experience of emotions and effective regulation methods may vary.
Wrapping Up
Some may read this and realize they do not engage in many adaptive behavioural skills and are unsure where to start. Sometimes, even being aware of what we must do isn't enough. In those situations, it might be helpful to pursue individual counselling. Under the guidance of an experienced mental health professional, your counsellor can help identify obstacles, and together you can find solutions.
The behavioural skills we employ significantly influence our emotional well-being. While it's natural to experience discomfort during challenging times, our responses can exacerbate or alleviate our suffering. We can redirect our actions toward healthier choices by recognizing maladaptive behaviours—such as rumination, emotional eating, or substance use. Engaging in nurturing activities like exercise, social connection, and self-care can help us ride the waves of our emotions with greater ease and resilience. As we move towards the final part of this series, remember that improving our emotional regulation is a journey of self-discovery and practice. By making intentional behaviour choices, we can cultivate a healthier relationship with our emotions and ourselves. Stay tuned for the next post to explore relational skills and address common obstacles in emotion regulation.
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